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April 14, 2008

by Tyson Wyrth

Host: “Generic panel, hello! Today we’re going to discuss who should win the NBA’s 2007-08 player awards. I’ll be falsely enthusiastic so viewers/listeners don’t realize they’ve heard this same discussion 100 times already, and then you can spout the same hackneyed arguments you’ve believed all season. If you haven’t spent five minutes researching your opinions, that’s OK, I won’t press you on them. Now let’s get started… who’s your favorite in the MVP race?!”

Great-player-turned-mediocre-analyst: “I like Lebron James. He has the best stats.”

I-haven’t-had-an-original-thought-since-Charles-Barkley-weighed-150-pounds-reporter: “Kobe Bryant’s the best player in the world. At least, that’s what I read in the Los Angeles Times. Two years ago.”

Former coach: “Chris Paul has the Hornets near the top of the Western Conference. Individual awards are all about winning. I’d vote for Chris – we’re on a first-name basis – even if he pulled a Ron Artest on some 4-year-olds and puppies sitting courtside.”

Ever feel like you’ve already heard all the arguments for the NBA’s player award candidates? Me too. That’s why I’m turning them all on their cornrowed heads. Instead of selecting a Most Improved Player, I’m picking a Most Disappointing Player (that ominous nauseous feeling is warranted, Bulls fans). Instead of a Sixth Man of the Year, I’m picking a Seventh Man. The Most Valuable Player debate is irrelevant; I’m now selecting the NBA’s Most Vexing Player instead. You get the idea. So without further ado –

Host: “Hey! Leave the clichÈs to me, you thief!”

– er, rather, without any delay, let’s see the winners!

MOST DISAPPOINTING PLAYER (formerly Most Improved Player): Kirk Hinrich
In one sickening season, Hinrich dropped from a rising star considered for All-Defense teams to a lost player with zero confidence and a large salary. How drastic was the drop? Hinrich’s scoring average (11.8 points) and 3-point accuracy (35.3%) were career-lows, worse than even his 2003-04 rookie year marks. Once he lost his shot, opponents played well off Hinrich, who attempted a meager 1.9 free throws a game, another career-low and a terrible mark for such a fine free throw shooter (ironically, the guard notched a career-best 84.3% from the line).

Also contributing to Hinrich’s ‘win’ in this category is his co-captain status. The Bulls were counting on the fifth-year point guard to lead the team deep into the playoffs, or at the very least, to prevent the free-falling monstrosity that was Chicago basketball this year.

At just 27 years old, Hinrich is still young enough to contribute to the hoped-for return of the Bulls. As his shot returns – and his form’s too good for it not too – he’ll gain confidence in the rest of his game and become an asset again, but he’ll never be the leader GM John Paxson hoped for when signing Hinrich to a $48 million extension last summer.

SEVENTH MAN OF THE YEAR (formerly Sixth Man of the Year): J.R. Smith
Figuring out the NBA’s top “bench” player is easy – Manu Ginobili is it. Guys like Leandro Barbosa and Jose Calderon are studs, too. But they, and a few other sixth men, are really quality starters in subs’ disguises, either because of their coach’s preferences or a logjam at talent at their position.

The league’s top reserve, in the truest sense of the word, is 22-year-old J.R. Smith, of the Denver Nuggets. At 19.2 minutes per game, he spends more game time riding pine than off it, and reserve Linas Kleiza’s 23.9 minutes per game qualify the former as the team’s seventh man.

Smith is notching 12.1 points for the season, and using his 39.9% 3-point shooting to confound defenses that try and double Carmelo Anthony or Allen Iverson. The former Hornet has been especially combustible as of late, torching opponents with 14.8 points a game since February. Smith will never be accused of expending too much energy on defense, but he’s got enough firepower to better Jordan Farmar, Leon Powe (did I really just write that?), and Rodney Stuckey as the NBA’s top seventh men.

REBEL OF THE YEAR (formerly Rookie of the Year): Shaquille O’Neal
The NBA’s never going to be short of contenders for this ‘honor,’ but 2007-08 was actually quite a clean year, from the league’s image-conscious perspective. The Tim Donaghy investigation made a lot of people nervous before the season, but has gone virtually unmentioned since. Still, plenty of malcontents reared their mischievous heads, even among those players who broke no laws.

The Bulls nearly field a team of candidates, with Chris Duhon, Tyrus Thomas, Joakim Noah and Andres Nocioni all butting heads with Chicago brass at one time or another. Kobe Bryant is leading the league in technical fouls with 15, and is the only player ejected from more than one game this season. But Shaquille O’Neal earns the award because of his continued public blasting of his old Miami team and its boss, Pat Riley:

“Anyone can win a slam-dunk contest,” O'Neal told ESPN’s Marc Stein recently. “The real Superman is dead. He was assassinated by Pat Riley.”

And before that, this in late March, upon settling in with the Phoenix Suns:

“We have professionals who know what to do,” O’Neal jabbed. “No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again.”

This after the Heat granted O’Neal a new license on basketball life by trading him to a championship contender! Imagine if they’d have sent him to Minnesota!

DEFENSIVE PRETENDER OF THE YEAR (formerly Defensive Player of the Year): Eddy Curry
The NBA’s worst defensive teams are the Milwaukee Bucks and the New York Knicks, as measured in points surrendered per 100 possessions (109.5). The worst defender on these rosters has to be Eddy Curry. The center’s been ripped for his defensive deficiencies ever since entering the league in 2001, so this isn’t breaking news, but Enormous Eddy has taken it to a new level this season. His blocks (0.5 per game), steals (0.2 per game), and general defensive awareness have always been abysmal, but until this season, Curry’s defensive rebounding has only been bad and not awful.

This year, in 25.9 minutes a game, the 285-pound center is pulling down 2.8 defensive rebounds a contest. 2.8! For a man who stands 6-11! To put that in perspective, a partial list of players yanking more defensive boards a game includes Jameer Nelson, Rajon Rondo, Mike Bibby, and Eric from my rec league – all 6-2 or shorter. Eric’s 5-7, actually. The point is, Eddy’s contributions on the defensive end come up a little… er, short… of what a contender requires in the middle.

MOST VEXING PLAYER (formerly Most Valuable Player): Mike Conley Jr.
Points aren’t everything, of course, but they are important. From March 28 through April 8, here are Conley’s point totals: 6, 17, 2, 18, 8, 4, 19. What’s more, some of the stinkers (such as a 2-for-9, 4-point, 3-assist effort at Minnesota on April 6) come against league placemats, while a few of the keepers (such as a 19-point, 7-rebound, 5-assist effort vs. Phoenix in the team’s very next game) are against playoff teams.

The bottom line is this: Conley definitely has the speed and vision to become a Tony Parker-type player one day, but doesn’t bring it consistently enough to warrant those comparisons yet. Injuries have also slowed his development, as Conley logged all of 92 minutes before the New Year. Late returns are promising – Conley just scored a career-high 25 against the Timberwolves on April 12 – but a lot of off-season work awaits the former Ohio State star if he hopes to smell the playoffs anytime soon.

That’s it! Those are my awards.

Host: “Fantastic!”

Me: “What, you agree with my selections?”

I-haven’t-had-an-original-thought-since-Charles-Barkley-weighed-150-pounds-reporter: “No, he’s just excited to get off this set and go home. Even we’re sick of talking about the traditional awards. I agreed with all your picks, though. All of them.”

Host: “Haha… hah.. eh… ha. Well, it’s been a pleasure, everyone. On behalf of generic chase-your-tail-in-a-circle sports debates everywhere, thanks for watching and have a swell night!”

CLICK.

Pause. Great-player-turned-mediocre-analyst: “I still like Lebron James.”

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